Embracing Your Grief

(Editor's Note: This blog was written by Dr. David Smith, M.D., who practices family medicine.)

During a school holiday at Christmas in 1978, my two brothers and I were jumping on our new trampoline in the backyard. We all stopped playing when we looked across the yard and saw our mother walking in our direction with a friend of our recently deceased father. Mr. Selman was a local jeweler who had a store across the road from where our dad worked at a Winn-Dixie grocery store as the meat market manager. Mr. Selman had with him three envelopes, and inside each envelope were three $5 bills. Fifteen dollars was a lot of money to a boy in 1978. We didn’t see Mr. Selman very often after that, but I never forgot his compassionate generosity.

Not long after I started college, I learned that Mr. Selman and his wife were in a local nursing home. I decided that I wanted to go see him and thank him for his gift on that Christmas, and also hoped he might tell me about his friendship with my dad. Upon arriving at the nursing facility, a nurse took me to the room where they resided. Each was in a separate bed, and a television was playing on the opposite wall. I was not prepared for what I experienced.

Mr. Selman and his wife had both had strokes, which left them unable to speak. There would be no conversation. I stood there in front of them as they both silently looked at me. I spoke to Mr. Selman and thanked him for being a friend to our family, but was not sure what else to say since they could not reciprocate. I had expected a totally different visit that day and was overcome with grief at what I saw.

As I stood there in front of them, I saw a tear slowly descending Mr. Selman’s cheek. Not having yet encountered people with such health conditions, I was not sure what else to say or how to try to relate to them. Regrettably, I said goodbye and departed more abruptly than desired. I walked to my car as quickly as I could and then left. I traveled only about one-tenth of a mile before pulling over on the side of the road. I could not hold in my disappointment and grief, so I parked there and wept. After getting my emotions back under control, I went on my way and never visited them again. I later learned that they passed away and wished I could have been able to put aside my own feelings long enough to have seen them again.

The pain of seeing a loved one in a chronic debilitated state that cannot be remedied makes it hard for many to face. Too many are left alone with few visitors when they need them the most. It’s hard to look in that mirror and face the inevitable thoughts of our own mortality. We don’t like what we see and feel, so we ignore it. In Romans 12:15, we are told, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” It’s much easier to rejoice with others. Weeping is different because it’s painful.

In John 11:35, we find the shortest verse in the Bible: “Jesus wept.” It’s clear from reading the full account of Lazarus’ death and resurrection that Jesus knew Lazarus was sick, was going to die, and would be raised from the dead. Jesus knew the pain it would cause to Lazarus’ family, but He also knew the joy to come. In spite of this knowledge, He still wept. We’re in a different boat. We don’t know the future and have no expectation of relief or resurrection on this side of the veil. It’s more understandable for us to weep.

Why would Jesus weep since He did not have these human limitations of insight and knowledge? We find the context of this earlier in John 11:32-33:

Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled…

Also, we find reasons for why Jesus felt this way in later verses:

So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind man, have kept this man also from dying?” So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it (John 11:36-38).

Mary did not understand Jesus’ purpose in allowing Lazarus to die, but believed He could have saved his friend. The other Jews in attendance had seen His miracles and could see that Jesus loved His friend, but did not understand His ways either.

Our Creator made what was a perfect world and enjoyed a close relationship with His creation. He walked and talked with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Since the fall of man, that relationship has been altered because of our own choices. Our loving Father sent His Son, Jesus, to live and walk among us. Isaiah 53:3-4 reads,

He was despised and forsaken of men,
A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
And like one from whom men hide their face
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.

Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,

Smitten of God, and afflicted.

Seeing His creation in pain grieves Him. Hearing His creation’s lack of understanding grieves Him. I heard someone recently state that grief is love that has nowhere to go. That may be true for some of us, but it is not for Him. His grief drove Him to the most selfless action: His atoning death on the cross. In spite of being unloved and rejected, He still stayed the course to provide a way for us to have that relationship possible with Him again. He demonstrated His power over death in the miracle of Lazarus’ resurrection and later put an exclamation mark on it in His own resurrection.

What makes us weep? More importantly, for what do we not weep that maybe we should? Jesus wept, and we are called to weep with those who weep. Our world is full of people who demonstrate a lack of understanding of God and His Word. Do we weep while longing for the creation to be made right and to be with Him, our Creator?

In Andrew Peterson’s “Is He Worthy?” it’s sung, “Do you wish that you could see it all made new?” Do we weep in grief over what we see, or do we hide our faces and succumb to the temptation to try to save ourselves? Matthew 24:12 says, “Because lawlessness is increased, most people’s love will grow cold.” Jesus didn’t try to save Himself from His death on the cross, and He expects us to follow His example. In Matthew 10:38, He states, “And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.”

In regard to my earlier recounting of not wanting to face grief and pain, I did not behave any better than those in the Bible who shrank back when it counted. I’m thankful to God that He’s enabled me since then to be able to face the pain of life, grieve as He does, but also rejoice at what awaits all who are His. Grief is love, and it does have somewhere to go of our choosing. There’s a world out there hurting, just waiting for an ear to listen, a hand to help, and a mouth speaking words of truth and comfort. We have the answer.

“Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).