Meaningful converstions

When Michael and Michelle Barnes felt called to become a foster family, they knew that such a commitment would mean a lot of prayer and a lot of heart-to-heart communication. They are an example of parents who are intentional about communicating with their children.

“Michael and I were communicating about foster parenting all the time,” Michelle recalled. “We knew we needed to be on the same page.”

Staying in tune about changes and challenges occurring within their family was crucial in their parenting journey; however, they also wanted to maintain healthy communication with their three biological children, ages 5, 9, and 11, and any other children who might come into their home.

“Of course, we wanted them to be safe, and we wanted their happiness. But most of all, we wanted them to understand if this was what God was calling us to, we were a family and would work through it together,” Michelle added.

Like most parents today, the Barneses made it a priority to stay engaged with each other and with their kids, but demands of day-to-day life sometimes made it a struggle to maintain connection.

Cultivating communication

According to Pew Research Center, 73% of adults in the U.S. say time with family is a priority; however, a StudyFinds poll revealed the average family only spends 37 minutes of quality time together each weekday. Work schedules, extracurricular activities, and the constant lure of screens undermine the best intentions to maintain communication.

To find practical ways to connect in the busyness of daily life, Dr. Kathy Koch, founder and president of Celebrate Kids Inc. (celebratekids.com), recommends what she calls intentional parenting.

“Because young people’s beliefs are heavily influenced by who they listen to,” Koch writes, “it’s your job as a parent to pursue relationship with them.”

In her book Screens and Teens: Connecting with Our Kids in a Wireless World, Koch emphasizes the importance of cultivating communication throughout every stage of childhood.

“Connect through technology and without it,” she suggests. “Listen. Watch. Talk. Listen some more. Deep down, they long for a connection with you.”

But in the hurry and distraction of today’s culture, the question becomes how to make that connection happen.

Koch offers this suggestion: “Children of all ages … want to know and feel that parents care about them, their friends, and their activities. Having easygoing and meaningful conversations is an important way to do this.”

Prioritizing communication

Throughout time, God Himself has initiated conversation with His children. Whether it was talking with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, writing a warning on the wall during Daniel’s time, having a donkey speak to the prophet Balaam, or inspiring authors to pen His words in the Bible, God made – and still makes – communication with people a priority.

Deuteronomy 6:7 instructs parents to have intentional, consistent communication with their own children about God’s commands: “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”

Taken literally, this verse demonstrates opportunities for spontaneous discussion about God’s Word during the ebb and flow of daily life – when sitting around at home, traveling from place to place, at bedtime, or first thing in the morning.

Contributing to conversations

The Barnes family has had lots of opportunities for conversation over the past 17 years. Their family now includes seven children, ages 7 to 28, and a host of grandkids.

“Sometimes the communication just happens, like in the car or when we’re cooking together,” Michelle shared.

And at other times, more challenging things need to be discussed one-on-one.

“We’ve found that hard conversations are best to have when we’re doing something fun together, like playing a game or going to get ice cream,” Michelle explained.

Many parents feel lost as to how to make those talks meaningful, especially during the preteen and teen years.

Dr. Daniel Huerta, vice president of parenting at Focus on the Family and author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, compared conversation to a tennis or pickleball match.

“It is a back-and-forth between people who are both contributing,” he told The Stand. “True conversation requires both parties to participate, to share, and to allow themselves to be known. It is all dependent on trust.”

Categorizing conversations

Conversation typically falls into one of three categories, according to Huerta. One is practical, day-to-day “housekeeping” that keeps a family on track and on time. Routine discussions covering work schedules, music lessons, ball practice, and church activities are necessary, but not particularly meaningful.

Social conversations usually have a more playful tone and are a great way to get to know each other better. Discussing topics such as school, friends, and life experiences are an avenue to connect without being intimidating or stressful.

For kids who are more introverted or dealing with some type of trauma, these non-threatening exchanges are ideal to help them feel more comfortable and establish trust.

Huerta said, “There may be some anxiety there, but they may begin sharing over time. This social conversation is a way to model conversation and say, ‘I love you, and I want to connect with you.’”

Conversations that are more emotional in nature typically involve frustration, anger, sadness, or disappointment. These usually happen on the fly and can be difficult to navigate, especially when they come in an outburst. If a child is struggling emotionally, an approach of calmness and curiosity by the adult is helpful.

“Parents naturally want to fix it, to try and take that emotion away,” Huerta explained. “But being aware of and validating the emotion with statements like, ‘I notice you seem frustrated,’ or ‘It sounds like you are upset. I wonder where that is coming from,’ can bring about bonding, connecting relationally, and a deeper understanding.”

Evaluating conversations

Having meaningful conversations takes time and growth, and many times, growth comes through mistakes.

“Interrogations are not the same as conversations,” Koch cautioned. “It’s their perception that matters … and getting grilled is one reason teens avoid interacting with their parents.”

While acknowledging that there is a time and place for hard conversations and tough love, Koch suggested the importance of evaluating interactions.

“See if they truly are two-way streets, with you talking and listening and your teen talking and listening … statements and questions, compliments and corrections, and laughter and serious reflection,” she explained. “We must model when and how to agree to disagree, and when and how to push in and persuade. We must also model humility when we are incorrect in our observations and assumptions.”

“God created communication to connect us,” Huerta added. “We are the only species who can connect to the depth we can through communication. It is part of our design. There truly is a battlefield for a child’s mind and soul, and to step into that battle, you’ve got to have conversation.”

Editor’s Note: Sandra Priest graduated from Blue Mountain Christian University. She is a mother and a full-time schoolteacher in Mississippi. As a former AFA intern, she has a passion for writing and enjoys sharing her heart through the written word.