According to Proverbs 25:11 (ESV), “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
Most assuredly, words of comfort can be a great gift to offer parents after the death of a child through miscarriage, sickness, or sudden tragedy. But the right words are often hard to find, prompting many people to avoid those who are mourning altogether.
After the death of his wife, scholar and theologian C.S. Lewis wrote of this dilemma from firsthand experience in his highly esteemed book, A Grief Observed: “I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate if they do and if they don’t.”
While avoidance is not the answer, it’s also important to note that when Jesus approached the tomb of His beloved friend Lazarus, His first response was to weep. For those who have stood at the grave of a loved one, especially that of a child, Jesus’ tears (and the tears of all loving friends) are a precious reminder of God’s great love – and His hope.
His love and hope comfort those grieving the loss of what was – as well as what has never been. Therefore, believers should also be mindful of fellow brothers and sisters who desperately long to become parents but face the constant and overwhelming grief of infertility.
Mere words from man cannot fix or heal grief. And sometimes, words of comfort – even those spoken with the best intentions – are better left unsaid. Here are some suggestions on what not to say to grieving parents.
Refrain from preaching.
God gives; God takes away.
It was just God’s will.
God will never give us more
than we can handle.
Trust God’s timing.
It was God’s mercy.
God has a purpose in this.
Think of the heartache God prevented.
God will use this for His glory.
Save the advice.
Just give it time.
Stop torturing yourself.
Hold on to the good memories.
Try to stay positive.
Put it behind you and move on.
Don’t give up.
Keep the faith.
Look to the future.
Omit sunny optimism.
What an amazing testimony you’ll have now.
At least you have each other.
Thank God it happened early in your pregnancy.
Fortunately, you hadn’t decorated your nursery yet.
You’re still young.
At least you had your child for (insert hours,
days, years).
Well, now you know you can get pregnant.
Thankfully, you already have other children.
Forgo the questions.
How far along were you?
Have you been medically checked for (insert diagnosis)?
Have you tried (insert home remedy)?
Did the doctors tell you why?
Shouldn’t you be over it by now?
How much weight have you lost/gained?
Have you ever thought about fostering or adopting?
Skip comparisons and excuses.
I know how you feel.
You’re not alone.
It happens to a lot of people.
My friend had five miscarriages but now has two healthy kids.
One-fourth of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.
A sick or handicapped child would’ve been a big burden.
Avoid trite platitudes.
He’s/She’s in a better place.
Everything happens for a reason.
Time heals all wounds.
It just wasn’t meant to be.
Only the good die young.
Your body was just doing its job.
God just needed another angel.
Let me know if I can help.
This is an extensive list of suggestions on what not to say to those experiencing the loss of a child. But don’t avoid grieving parents from fear of misspeaking. Remember that Romans 12:15 (NIV) specifically instructs Christians to “mourn with those who mourn.”
So, instead of remaining silent or dodging those who are grieving the loss of a child, stop and greet them with a direct look in the eye and a hug, if appropriate. Then pray, and allow the God of all comfort to provide “a word fitly spoken.”
(Digital editor's note: This article was published first in the January/February 2025 special pro-life issue of The Stand. Click HERE for a free six-month subscription.)
