The title of this blog will hit differently with different people. Some people may feel like jumping up and down thinking about “new life” after losing a life, and others may feel the need to hold back that feeling of happiness and rejoicing- only because they can feel the weight of the fear and anxiety that could come with welcoming a “new life” into the family.
For some who have never experienced child loss there is really no need to withhold the celebration of new life! As Christians we know every life is sacred and should be celebrated. However, if you have experienced child loss you know what it feels like to want to celebrate but celebrate with caution. I have shared how my husband and I lost our baby boy in July 2023. I could never imagine walking through anything harder than this.
We walked through infertility for almost four years before finding out we were expecting our baby girl, Jane. That’s why we were so surprised and so excited about getting pregnant unexpectedly with our sweet baby boy in February of 2023.
If you have never experienced child loss then I praise the Lord with you! That really is such a gift to never take for granted. However, if you’re reading this and know the heartbreak of child loss- I am so sorry we share this pain. There’s just no good words or way to wrap child loss up in a pretty bow at the end of the day.
Right now my husband and I are approaching this due date of our baby girl, and at-the-same-time approaching the one year anniversary of our baby boy’s birthday and death day. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. In fact, emotions and feelings that, to be honest, I don’t know what to do with. There are no books on this- how to prepare your heart to welcome new life as you get close to the anniversary of the day you lost a precious life.
I have a sweet friend who knows this feeling all too well. She found out she was pregnant four weeks after her little boy passed away. She was one of the first people to know about this baby girl and gave such sweet advice to me that night. Right after a big hug and congratulations she used the sweetest tone and shared such precious words of wisdom when she said, “Anne, you will truly know what it means to carry grief and joy at the same time. Let yourself feel both.” Oh, how those words hit me. At that time the thought of feeling joy was a foreign thought. My mind couldn’t process what joy could feel like anymore. Not to mention the guilt that can come with feeling joy after loss.
Only a few months into our “new normal,” and finding out that we were expecting again our hearts and minds didn’t know what to feel. I kept thinking that I was thankful, but happy or excited were not in my vocabulary just yet. How can I be excited or happy when my baby boy just passed away? I remember thinking, “I don’t want him to be replaced.” As soon as the initial shock wore off a bit anxiety and fear crept in and made themselves at home in my heart and mind.
I know that the Lord is the perfect Giver of life, but I also knew firsthand that He is also the taker of life. That sounds and feels harsh to say, but as a Christ follower we must recognize this. God is good when life feels wonderful and when life feels like it can’t get any worse. God is good even when our feelings don’t feel good. God is good no matter our circumstances. As Job shares during his most difficult days, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord..” (Job 1:21)
As I approach this season of the Lord blessing my family with the new, sweet life of my baby girl, Nora James, I praise Him as He gives! As we walk through the season of celebrating my baby boy’s first birthday and first heavenly birthday- I praise Him, even though that marks a time in my life of the Lord “taking away.”
I’ve been shown grace on top of grace and there’s no hardship that can take that away. I want to share the meaning of my sweet girl’s name before I close:
Nora: “Eternal light”- oh how our family desires light after such a dark season.
James: “May God protect”- I pray this every day for my children now.
We also love the connection of James and John in Scripture. Being best friends and brothers, we love that our Nora will have that connection to her big brother, John-Micah, in heaven.
If you find yourself welcoming “new life after loss,” rather as a grandparent or parent or sibling or friendship- I see you and I’m committed to praying for you. We were not meant to handle these emotions alone. Please don’t try to. Share fears and anxiety with the Lord. Be raw. Be real. He accepts us as we are. There’s no need to dress up our emotions and feelings nicely for Him- he takes the ugly truth and helps us turn the ugliness into something beautiful.
He makes beautiful things out of dust, we just have to let Him.
