A Paid in Full Debt

“Your own recognizance.”

Those were the words that I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me as I awoke one day this week. For context, it had been another restless night – one of several in the last few weeks.

Now, this is a new season of life for me, after retiring from full-time work as a staff writer and starting a part-time job back in the teaching industry, with preschoolers, a totally new age group for me. Add to that the stress of sorting 20 years of junk in our current house and packing about half of that stuff for a move to our new, much smaller farmhouse.

On top of that, there’s the looming realization that when we do move into our tiny, new dream home, we will leave behind the last place that our son Chris occupied with us before college and married life – his camo-inspired bedroom that he loved so much. With its baseball, football, and basketball trophies lined up alongside his pictures and childhood treasures, it really is the last place we can go to look, touch, and see Chris – now that he resides in Heaven.

As I fell asleep thinking about never seeing that room intact again, I kept asking myself, “Do I really want to leave that part of my heart behind? How will I be able to do this?”

No clear, distinct answer came. Instead, all my jumbled questions and uncertainties piled up, making a mountain out of my usual molehill of worries. As such, my sound sleep had grown uncharacteristically restless. So, it was no wonder that the precious Holy Spirit spoke so precisely to me first thing that morning: “Your own recognizance.”

As I rubbed my sleepy eyes and sat up, my first thought on this phrase was that of the legal usage of these words. But what did a legal term have to do with my spiritual weariness?

I thought I knew what the term meant, but I quickly Googled its original meaning, which went back to a Latin form of the word “recognoscere.” According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, this early form of the word meant “to acknowledge, recall to mind, know again; examine; certify.”

But the word’s meaning changed over time, especially in its French usage, to mean “acknowledgement of subjection or allegiance.” In other words, recognizance eventually referred to recognition of a higher authority.

That gradual change in meaning paved the way for the current legal definition of recognizance from Merriam Webster Dictionary: “an obligation of record entered into before a court or magistrate requiring the performance of an act (such as appearance in court) usually under penalty of a money forfeiture.”

But what did this long, drawn-out definition have to do with the words I heard upon waking? I was more confused than ever. The teacher within me only knew one thing to do: Get up and study to find the answer, and as always, I started with the Bible.

Of course, recognizance is not an actual word or specific term found in the Bible, but in Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible, it is used in the explication of Matthew 18:23-27:

For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.

According to Henry, “Every sin we commit is a debt to God.” But Henry goes on to explain that our sin debt is not a normal debt that we owe to someone on our own level, someone who is equal to us. In contrast, our sin debt is owed to someone vastly superior to us, and as such, recognizance of that debt (to God) is totally forfeited.

So … things began to grow a little clearer. I have no recognizance of my own. None.

I am a sinner. My sins, even the first one I ever committed as a child, left me with a debt I could not repay. I have no authority of my own (as a sinner) to pay for or erase that debt. I forfeited my own recognizance with my first sin and every sin afterward.

Thankfully, God sent His only Son to save me from my sin. Jesus is the spotless, sinless Savior who paid the price for my sin with His own life. He redeemed me, and I have lived my life for Him ever since my redemption day over 50 years ago.

I was literally freed in His recognizance, but here I am, a 63-year-old Christian woman who has served God all those years, and yet, by attempting to navigate this latest season of my life in my own strength and power, I am still trying to sinfully assume authority I do not possess. In essence, I was trying to carry an impossible load on my own recognizance.

The late Dr. Adrian Rogers explained my predicament in a sermon titled The Freedom of Forgiveness:

I had somebody who sinned against me and those that I love horribly. I made up my mind I was not going to carry a load of resentment. The individual was still in an attitude and action of sin. But one morning, about 2 in the morning, I wrote out a full, complete forgiveness, not only forgiving, but receiving back that individual. And before God, I signed my name to it, and I uploaded that forgiveness and put it in the drawer. Anytime that individual wants to download it, it's there. It's already on file. It's already given! It's done so far as I'm concerned! I don't bear that burden! Whether it's ever received or not, it's offered.

So, there was the heart of my problem and my answer: I’d been trying to carry it all on my own shoulders, on my own recognizance. But I don’t have to; I never did. My debt was paid long ago on an old wooden Cross. But I do have to download that file of forgiveness daily and let God bear it all – on His recognizance, not mine.

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