(Digital Editor's Note: This article was published first in the July 2023 print edition of The Stand. The Guest Writer is Patricia Jean.)
Choose Forgiveness and Healing … by Understanding Unforgiveness
Like a wounded animal, humans do one of two things when they experience hurt – fight or flight. The fight response is easy to detect – angry, easily frustrated, chaotic lifestyle. Life is one crisis after another.
On the other hand, flight is deceptive, passive-aggressive, self-deprecating, apologizing for everything. And lonely. It is not easy to see the wounds on the inside. Often the symptoms of hurt are attributed to personality, and tragically they become an identity.
For example, John is just a hot-tempered, bitter person. Kelly has low self-esteem. What would life be like if the inside could be healed? The remedy sounds simple – forgive, but it is a journey to recovery.
On this journey, one thing must be made clear: Forgiveness does not require judgment. In David Peterson’s book Journey to Forgiveness: 21 Milestones to Freedom, the act of forgiveness “does not pardon the offense, excuse the misdeed, or ignore it. Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation” but a step toward wholeness.
God desires health and peace for believers; therefore, God requires forgiving others. This command seems impossible for those who have suffered violence or physical harm and nearly impossible for all other offenses, yet forgiveness has the ability to heal the soul.
Forgive and forget?
To forgive is not to forget. In fact, memory is part of what makes forgiving so difficult. After deciding to forgive and thinking it is over and done, the memories often flood the mind when least expected. Even when the memories are controlled during the day, often the subconscious will let them escape into dreams.
So how do you get free from unforgiveness? Peterson suggests, “Be gracious to yourself.” Give time and room to work through the process of forgiving.
In Matthew 6:12 (NKJV), Christians are taught to pray, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” This verse guarantees two things: People will always be offended, and forgiveness will always be needed. Instead of considering forgiving as a single heroic act, consider it a flowing river with constant opportunities to forgive and new grace to conquer unforgiveness.
When Jesus is asked how many times forgiveness must be given, He states, “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22). The struggle to overcome unforgiveness is daunting. However, God relentlessly forgives; likewise, forgiveness must be practiced repeatedly.
Victim and villain
The greatest atrocities of the 20th century prove the human capability of great evil. In her book The Hiding Place, Corrie ten Boom shared one experience that brings to light the process of true forgiveness. After surviving imprisonment in a World War II concentration camp in Germany, she recounts running into a former SS guard who spoke of receiving Jesus’ forgiveness for the atrocities he had committed against her and other prisoners.
As he extended his hand to ten Boom, she recalled:
I had preached so often ... the need to forgive, [but] I kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. … I breathed a silent prayer: “Jesus, I cannot forgive him; give me Your forgiveness.”
When it is impossible to forgive, Jesus becomes the forgiveness. To say, “Jesus, I cannot forgive; please give me your strength to forgive” allows the power of the Holy Spirit to work a miracle inside, relieving the burden of unforgiveness.
In the Bible, all offenses are equal. While this may seem unjust, there are no degrees of offense. All require the same remedy – forgiveness. Why is forgiveness difficult? Peterson explains, “Sometimes we experience guilt for not forgiving, but perhaps, like a bad habit, we don’t realize we’re hooked or addicted to the energy of anger that unforgiveness provides.” For many, unforgiveness becomes a lifestyle driven by the negative energy it produces.
For a young Peterson, both physical abnormality and childhood molestation left him a perfect candidate for bitterness and unforgiveness. In an interview with The Stand, Peterson said, “I was an unforgiveness junkie. I lived off the energy. ... It served really well as the chip on my shoulder, but there was a price to be paid.”
Unforgiveness feels like the offender is securely on the hook for his offenses, but the inability to release the offender serves as a harpoon to grasp as the shark devours the person. Peterson compares it to “a nuclear power plant brewing inside of me all the time. It may help us deal with the folks who have wronged us, but it doesn’t help us with our relationships.”
Hurt to healing
How much power does unforgiveness generate? Unforgiveness is an expensive emotion. It routinely costs relationships, health, and mental peace.
Although Peterson’s book has 21 milestones to help overcome unforgiveness, two are unique. First, Peterson suggests that since God is omnipresent, He was there when one experienced the offense. He is always there at any occurrence that causes trauma in one’s life. Perhaps new insight will come that was hidden by unforgiveness.
The second is to release one’s wrath. As an act of will, choose to release any rightful anger toward the person who has caused the hurt. Letting go exchanges the enormous weight of hurt with freedom, allowing for movement past the event into new relationships and healing.
“Forgiveness releases you from the power the oppressor has over you,” said Peterson, “[and] puts us more in the driver’s seat … whether or not we are going to hold on to bitterness and anger, [and] whether people or circumstances continue to have a place in our lives where we feel controlled by them.”
To be free, let go. Imagine what life would be like without unforgiveness. Though it is not an easy thing to overcome, it is worth the effort.
Victor Frankl, another Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, suggests:
You can take away my wife, you can take away my children, you can strip me of my clothes and my freedom, but there is one thing no person can ever take away from me – and that is my freedom to choose how I will react to what happens to me!
The personal choice to move past the offense, the victimhood, and the oppression is a freedom to move into peace, joy, and healing. Start by praying Psalms 139:23 – “Search me, O God, and know my heart. …” Ask God to reveal areas of unforgiveness, make the choice to forgive, and allow healing to begin.
Editor’s note: Patricia Jean is an adjunct professor at Itawamba Community College (Fulton, Mississippi) and Oral Roberts University (Tulsa, Oklahoma).
