Betrayal wears many hats.
Betrayal in one person’s case might be that their spouse was unfaithful. To someone else betrayal may be stolen innocence. To another person, it could be being verbally sucker punched by someone they love.
Whatever the case may be, as believers we are called to forgive no matter what the betrayal looks like, which according to Scripture, isn’t something that’s up for debate.
Over and over again the Bible explicitly instructs us to forgive those who have wronged us.
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matthew 6:14-15).
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32).
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:13).
I think, though, where a lot of brothers and sisters get hung up is associating forgiveness with immediate reconciliation. The two are in fact not synonymous, contrary to popular opinion.
I recently found myself in a situation where I personally came to this crossroads. Actually, I touched on it in a recent post here. At first, I wrestled with forgiveness because ultimately at the end of the day, I lumped together forgiveness with trusting this person and giving them a place in my life after hearing gut-wrenching things they thought to be true of me; and said them in front of my children, nonetheless.
How could I? Why would I? Emotionally and spiritually I didn't feel safe since I felt that this person had anything but my best interest at heart. And on top of that, if someone felt that strongly about me, why in the world would I fling my arms open wide and invite them into the most intimate, vulnerable parts of my life?
For days anger and bitterness gnawed at my bones.
I was devastated. I was mad. I was physically sick. This person had since given a wordy, but half-hearted apology and essentially demanded that I let them back in. Lord, how could you call me to something that felt so wrong? I wept. I don’t want to let them back in. If someone could speak to me like that in front of my babies and our family, to let them back in felt like letting a burglar into our home.
Initially the thought of not reconciling felt chaotic and uncivil and somehow I felt like the “bad guy.” And I knew I couldn’t not forgive this person. The impasse was suffocating. That is until I realized that I could set a boundary with this person and still love and respect them as family in Christ and stay in line with Scripture.
Here’s what the Bible says:
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).
Live in harmony with one another…if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:16-18).
But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you (Luke 6:27-28).
You have heard that it was said, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven (Matthew 5:43-45).
After much prayer and study and leaning into the Lord and godly counsel, I have decided that it is possible to biblically live at peace with this person while at the same time, setting and keeping boundaries that protect my heart.
I’ve decided that traps of bitterness, anger, and confusion set by the enemy will not keep me from obedience to Christ. I’ve decided that it is okay to forgive this person and not allow them access to the intimate and vulnerable places.
Just because the boundary is set does not mean I cannot operate out of a place of prayer and love for this person.
So, my prayer is that today, we would shake off the chains of unforgiveness and tell whatever is keeping us from obedience that it can go back where it came from. And for the strength to unburden ourselves from resentment and spiritual unrest by way of forgiveness. And lastly, for the wisdom and boldness we need to set scripturally sound, biblical boundaries.
