Dear Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC):
You don’t know me but you should. I’m an angry white guy. As a white guy, I’m angry a lot. But today, I’m even angrier than usual. So you should probably put me on your list of dangerous persons. Given that I might have a mental breakdown at any moment, you should probably go ahead and designate me as hate group. I feel a strong case of multiple personality disorder coming on. Yes I do. No you don’t. Oh, shut up and let him talk!
The Gay and Lesbian Alliance against Defamation (GLAAD) Commentator Accountability Project came out to the media earlier this month. As you know, this project aims to put “critical information” about “anti-gay interviewees” into the hands of “newsrooms, editors, hosts and reporters” who “don’t often have the time to dig into the histories of a commentator.” In other words, it is a branch of the Gaystapo using Nazi tactics to ban those who disagree with them from appearing in the media. I call it pink-listing. This is not to be confused with pink-lisping, which refers to the tendency of homosexuals to develop speech impediments as soon as they come out of the closet.
The GLAAD project seeks to pink-list those “comparing LGBT people to Nazi Germany, predicting that equal treatment of LGBT people will lead to the total collapse of society, and even making accusations of satanic influence.” As you can see, I am one of the people in the media who likes to accuse GLBT people (Gilberts), GBLT people (Giblets), and TLGB people (Total-goobers) of being like Nazis. Despite this, I’ve been excluded from the list. What is wrong with these people? Are they trying to destroy decent society? Or has Satan finally overtaken their twisted souls?
The Commentator Accountability Project claims it is “bringing all of these statements to light while calling attention to the sentiment behind them.” That’s just not true. I’ve made plenty of statements against Gilberts, Giblets, and Total-goobers that have been overlooked by GLAAD. They need to call attention to these statements so they can know what’s going on behind them. Even when they aren’t in prison, gays should always know what’s going on behind them!
Although they say that their list of 25 commentators “represent nothing but extreme animus towards the entire LGBT community” they are wrong. Some of them are actually pretty nice. In fact, they are way nicer than I am. So I’m writing today to argue that GLAAD should also be designated as a hate group for including these nice people on their pink-list. More importantly, they should be designated as a hate group for refusing to include me!
Michael Brown: Are you kidding me? I met Michael Brown last summer at Summit Ministries. He and his wife are really nice people. I spoke to him for at least thirty minutes and he didn’t make any gay jokes. He’s a pathetic excuse for a gay-basher. He should be thrown off the list immediately.
Chuck Colson: Please! I once wrote a “recommending reading” column that featured one of his books. He was so nice that he sat down and wrote me a very long personal letter of thanks. There was not one single reference to “homos” in the entire letter. It was pathetic, really. He’s undeserving. Take him off the list!
Maggie Gallagher: Stop picking on girl. That’s just gay. Next, please.
Kevin McCullough: What a joke. I once heard him correct a Baylor University professor for being too “harsh” in a debate with a homosexual. No one who stands up for civility in debate with homosexuals deserves to be on this list. I thought the Baylor professor was right so I deserve to be on this list. Plus, someone told me McCullough likes some of Elton John’s older music. I think that counts for something.
Jennifer Roback Morse: This woman called me a “meanie” on Facebook last week. So even she knows I’m meaner and more deserving of a pink-listing. Didn’t I tell you guys to quit picking on girls?
Frank Turek: This guy is the biggest joke of them all. I should know because we’re really good friends. What bothers me about his inclusion on (and my exclusion from) the pink-list is that I’ve helped nurture his anti-gay reputation. Remember my columns “The Cisco Kid” and “Bank of Gay America?” They highlighted the times Turek was fired from consulting gigs in corporate America just because he wrote a book opposing same-sex marriage. Don’t I get at least some credit for writing about Turek’s misadventures in an inflammatory way?
And, speaking of inflammatory, what about some of my column titles on homosexuality; “The Old Rugged Cross-Dresser,” “Big Fat Appalachian Drag Queens,” “Fat Lesbians on Crack,” “Perversity and Diversity at my Little University,” and “It Ain’t Over Till the Fat Lesbian sings”? What exactly do I need to do to get pink listed by these people? I even call them “these people” but to no avail.
In short, I have been unfairly excluded by a group that claims to be inclusive. You guys at SPLC are experts in making main-stream people appear radical enough to blacklist. So I thought I would turn to you for some advice. If you think of any, please do not hesitate to write. Until then, I’m headed to the cigar shop to smoke a couple of fags. But I’ll be checking my email (firstname.lastname@example.org) on an hourly basis. Let the games begin!
Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus.